Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Banking tips
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body