Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
ok this is my dumbest yet
Wait for it
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?