who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey