Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.