Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
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shit just got real
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.