who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Finally
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.