Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
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People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back