“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My work here is don’t.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Ha.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell