Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Rather alarming headline…

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

From Facebook just now…

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.