Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
mom gave me mine for free
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
no one likes gloating
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I saw nothing
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.