Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.