Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
You Might Also Like
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever