Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Rambo Rambow
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
? 💀
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
he’s doing your taxes
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy