Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
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Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
broke down and did it
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.