who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday