@English_Channel

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

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@dire_beard

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

@OllyiConic

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

@Ivsy01

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

@KalvinMacleod

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

@caliluvgirl77

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

@AbrasiveGhost

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun