who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly


ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.


*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so


People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.


If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.


Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?


BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone


ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work


ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun