Who knew!
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Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
How your email finds me
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?