Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?