“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy