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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]