Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.