Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Most fashion shows these days…
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow