@papasuncle

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

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@MomofTeen

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

@TheRolo

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

@fuzzlime

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

@EndhooS

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

@aweary

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

@Cheeseboy22

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

@_radsy

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

@AngelaEhh

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.