Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
THIS HEADLINE
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me