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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
#polloftheday
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear