Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they