Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
You Might Also Like
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
classic mixup
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Noah was an idiot.