Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*sewing*
A thread
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.