Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
You Might Also Like
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
When ur friends with white people
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.