Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Worth the read.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.