Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

Goat cheese is for herders.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Ugh but profoundly

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Thank you corporation very cool

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

He’s dead