Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
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I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”