Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.


I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”


They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.


I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water


*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*


WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*


Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it


A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed


I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.


Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is