@BigJDubz

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

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@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

@kevinthedad

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

@Marlebean

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

@coherentstates

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

@TheBoydP

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

@MichaelVogel1

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

@JohnLyonTweets

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

@Shariv67

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

@Smooheed

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is