Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.