who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
You Might Also Like
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
🙅🏻
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed