Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.