Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
You Might Also Like
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.