Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
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THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Omg 🤣
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.