Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”