Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
You Might Also Like
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”