who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
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Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
You wish you had this many chins.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
An odd boast
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.