Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Always
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it