Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.