“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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How do horror writers compete with current events?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Oh, I bet you would be
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Owl Sanctuary
A short story of betrayal:
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence