[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
What
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
so i’m at the stock market right
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
This was a bad idea all around
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…