Who wants to be my Valentine?
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This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.