who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
me
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets