Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”