Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
When someone says you are so lazy
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…