Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!