You Might Also Like
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!![]()
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
in the ocean
![]()
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
![]()
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
![]()
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations