Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
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My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”