who wore it better?
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Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot: